


Hey, are you listening?

by son___goku



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Innocence, M/M, Softness, and lots of thoughts, i guess??, innocent feelings, lowkey angst, sad kids just trying to figure out what theyre feeling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 15:49:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10441269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/son___goku/pseuds/son___goku
Summary: Gon and Killua have difficulty handling their separation and thus are thinking about eachother.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everybody! So... This is my very first fic ever and I'm really nervous about it....... It's written in first person lmao and before you run away pls CONSIDER.... I tried to focus on how the two of them were probably feeling during all of this! UM I HOPE YOU ENJOY??? i literally dont know anything about formatting lmao i hope ill be able to edit this .....

 

 

 

> Gon.

I've tried to avoid you, to forget you, to not hold onto you anymore. Every time the thought of you came up, it stuck to me. Not like glue but rather like a part that wanted to belong to me. I desperately tried to bathe it off, but it spread into the water. I desperately tried to scratch it off, but it kept bleeding. Sleepless nights, telling myself not to wonder how you were and what you were doing, wether you think of me as much as I _don't want to_ think about you. But the night-sky I see is the same night-sky I used to see with you. It didn't only feel like there was a lack of stars, but also more things to wish for. I close my eyes and the stars are no more. You are no more.  _It's scary._ I open my eyes and the sun is here, smiling down at me, holding my hand, calling me her big brother.

So what's the moon mean?

* * *

 

 

 

> Killua.

Where are you? How are you doing? When am I going to see you again? I wonder this a lot of the time. To be honest, sometimes I feel like a piece of me has gone on a journey with you, while the rest of me did not. The real me ran into the forest, leaves and branches scraping me open. Remember the night we talked about what we wanted to do? We both managed to find what we wanted. Then why do I still feel like this journey isn't done just yet?  _Well, I think I know why._ I see you everywhere my feet are. Of course I do, it's small here after all. But I can't catch up to you. Why is that?  _That I know too._ The full moon makes it difficult to sleep. Aunt Mito tells me good night.

I think i feel less antsy now.

* * *

 

 

 

 

> Gon.

It keeps coming back, like a stray cat. Once you've pet it, it will follow you anywhere. I admit, it's my own fault for petting it, but even after not petting it anymore, it's still staying by my side. When I stand still, the cat will do the same. When I run, it will run faster than me. That makes me want to catch up to it,  _because I don't want it to find someone else._ Sometimes it goes for so long, that I run out of air. Then I lose sight of it. Then it comes back when I least expect it.

Should I pet it again?

* * *

 

 

 

 

> Killua.

Today a dog wouldn't stop barking outside my house. It kept barking and barking, so I went downstairs to see what was wrong, what it was calling for. Once I stepped outside, the dog fled. I decided I'd walk after the dog. I only walked, I didn't want to startle it more. Whenever I found it, it would bolt off again. I figured out that if you keep a certain distance to it, it will stay still and watch your every move with caution. So I did that and sat on the ground, showing the dog that I meant no harm. At the end I found that the dog was licking and licking me. Who moved closer to let that happen? I don't remember.  _I was too focused to watch it._ It did that until it fell asleep on me.

I was afraid to wake it up and make it run off for the last time.

* * *

 

 

 

> ...

Do I even need to say your name anymore? It's not like you're hearing this. It's not like I can call out to you and have you respond with your words or that certain look on your face that people often call 'oblivious'. The thing is that I still hear you respond to me, though. Your voice echoes so clearly in my ear and my mind. I can make you say every sentence in every tone and emotion. But I still won't do that becasue it feels fake and fabricated. Your mind is unpredictable and at times almost too sharp for me. I can't make you say what my unconscious is wishing for, or else it won't be you anymore. In fact it never was you.

Did you answer with a smile this time?

* * *

 

 

 

 

> My best friend in the whole world.

I can't imagine where you are right now. Mainly because I couldn't see more of the world since I went back to my hometown. I used to be able to do that, but the part you took with you weren't my eyes. It was something else. Something deep inside that nobody but you can reach to. You just took it without me lending it to you, like you always manage to do.

I don't mind though, it was an exchange long overdue.

* * *

 

 

 

 

> You.

'Where is Gon? How is Gon? When are we going to see Gon again?'. That's what Alluka wants to know from time to time. My answers are always the same. 'He's at home. He's fine! Soon.' The responses gradually went from clear to muddy, from given to requested and so did the sentences, they turned shorter the more unsure I was. Was I reassuring myself or Alluka? Actually, I don't think Alluka needs the reassurance, at least not the way I do. I've come to notice that I never said the things I thought and wished out loud because I figured that they were already being acknowledged if I just looked at you. Something inside me allowed me to think about us being together forever because you never seemed to dislike my company, my help and my protection. Your trust in me made me feel validated and needed. Reassured. Now that you're far away, I can never say things with certainty and that's why I avoid giving an elaborate answer when my sister wants to know. You should be fine though.

You have to be fine. Right, Gon?

* * *

 

 

 

 

> You.

Since I've been back at Whale Island, things have taken the same pace as they did at the very beginning. Grandma is getting a little weaker, so I've been helping aunt Mito everywhere I could. Chores can be fun sometimes, and also distracting from homework. I don't like doing homework becasue it requires a lot of thinking. Since I've been a hunter and since I've been travelling alongside you to find Ging, I had a lot of things to make up for. Aunt Mito asked for a description of what i was up to and it's really difficult to write down everything, even if I remember so clearly. When I sit down and start writing, it makes me want to look out of the window every time. The world outside of home. All the places I've visited with you... It cuts to me quick. You always looked with that patient and accepting expression at me. Sure, you'd scold me some times, but that never meant I didnt enjoy that. You'd always forgive me for all the selfish things I did on accident and on purpose. I could always look back at you and know that you would always have my back. Being at home makes me remember all the things we achieved with eachother but also what I could've done better... I put down the pen and ask aunt Mito for a task I could help her with. After all she needs my help, and so do I. How long until I can make more memories and less mistakes?

Don't give me more time to think, Killua.

* * *

 

 

 

 

> I'm craving a word.

My name, I mean. I haven't heard it in a while and I didn't want to hear it... Or rather I couldn't hear it. Killua is my name, but what's the point of a name if theres nobody around to call me by it? Yet I still want to hear you say Killua. Say it on your own accord... Killua. Do you ever say my name? Is that when I think about you? Is that when I try avoiding you? Really, you must've said it a lot then. Is it really okay for you to say my name this often? You know, I gave in a long time ago and started petting the cat because I realized that the cat wasn't seeking me but the other way around. Who am I kidding? I knew that already. Alluka looks at me sometimes and asks me if I'm alright and I respond with 'Of course!'. She always seems to know when you suddenly, or not suddenly, start putting my brain in spirals. She's the best sister I could ever wish for. I'm a protector, that's why I used to want you to stop, to make Alluka's worries disappear but also ...to shelter myself. Thinking about you is hard, but what's harder is not thinking about you.

Yet I still want to hear you say it. Not my name but something else. I'm feeling something well up all of a sudden.

* * *

 

 

 

 

> I'm a little lonely.

Don't worry, I still have grandma and aunt Mito but... you're missing. Especially when aunt Mito asks about you. Sometimes I wonder if you even want to see me anymore. That was really difficult to reveal... Because what if it's true? What will I do? Can you tell me? I want to be selfish, Killua. I really want to be selfish, but I don't know if you can forgive me for that anymore. Are you ever selfish sometimes? I hope you are. I want you to be selfish, Killua. Please come see me. The dog started fleeing from me again. Perhaps it knows. I'm rash and sometimes don't think things through, but I've thought about going travelling with you too many times to count. My bedsheets have been washed, your scent is no longer there. Your footsteps are no longer in the forest. The dishes you ate from have long been cleaned and have been carefully put back inside the cupboard. Say, will everything disappear like that? ... Can you tell me? Will you tell me? Will you talk to me at all? I won't abandon those memories. I want to call out your name.

Killua, come visit me soon.

* * *

 

 

 

 

> I've finally managed to say your name out loud.

Gon... It felt good. It was like a silent prayer before I go to sleep, knowing that the moon is watching over me. Gon. I completely forgot how to resist all those feelings I've been damming up, they completely washed over me not giving me a single moment to breathe. This way I found myself stranded in a shore of reflection and honesty, with glass as sand. I've been watching that beach from my small boat, but I never set foot on it. I knew what awaited me there since I've been intently watching it. I've been just too scared to actually breathe there. I kept pretending that it was cryptic and never attainable but now that I finally managed to keep hold of it, pretending doesn't do it anymore. Especially when my feet are being cut up. Gon.

I miss you. I miss you so much.

It hurts, it really hurts so much. I've always wished to be with you forever, perhaps even since I first laid my eyes on you and asked how old you were. You were so peculiar, Gon. Everything was boring, until you came along. Everything was monotone, until you came along. Everythign was devoid of feelings... until you came along. It all began shining so strongly and it was completely out of my control, which was really scary. I never was aware of how much I needed being close to somebody and I don't think I had gotten grasp of it, had you not introduced me to it again. You've really opened up my world.

This time, I'll open up my thoughts.

The moon that shines down on me almost every night, allowing me to share something with you - The cat that I so desperately wanted to pet - The shore that I buried my body in - and the words I craved.

They all are results

of the love

I have for you.

* * *

 

 

 

 

> My green jacket has been hanging in the closet for a while.

I still have the urge to go wash it in the river, even though the only thing it's collecting, is dust. It's been so long since it was on my body. It's  awful... I managed to meet Ging but then I lost my nen and what's worst of all, you by my side. I made a lot of sacrifices but I didn't realize that they were going to affect you. I didn't realize that that meant I had to say farewell. You promised we'd meet again, didn't you? And I promised that I'd introduce you to Ging. Nothing is going to get in the way of that, after all it's a promise, no matter where you are. No matter where I am. Let me wear the jacket again.

I still feel terribly lonely. I wasn't being honest when I said I was only feeling a little lonely.

The truth is that since ive met you, my life was more lively, more adventurous, out of my world and colorful. I had someone to laugh with, to do promises with, to travel with and to meet so many people with. Someone I could cry infront of without feeling weak. Someone I could share everythign with. I never properly thanked you for everything you've done for me and that fact is really difficult to swallow, since I couldn't thank you enough, Killua. I desperately want to share everything I have and own with you and only with you. Ever since I met you I've admired you and thought 'this is someone I want to get to know'. Now I think 'this is someone I can't let go of'. Someone I won't let go of. All my life I've been living my life with little knowledge in Whale Island until you thaught me so many things. So many things I still want you to teach me. I'm forever glad to have met you.

 

And I never told you

that I held

the same feelings

you held for me.

Unconditional love.

 

**Author's Note:**

> SO THATS IT.... hope it wasnt too difficult to read!! sorry for any mistakes


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